


thirty is the limit on head-dogs

by Yoshichao



Series: The Fame Monster [6]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: AU Skeletons, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Gen, Reader-Insert, References to Super Smash Brothers, Social Media, Texting, Twitter, emojis, kind of a shitpost fic, no romance unless you want to read into it like that idk it's up to you, other skeletons cameo via texts, platonic, rated T for SWEARING and SUGGESTIVE LANGUAGE SOMETIMES, sans' social security number, undertale is both real and a game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24414343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoshichao/pseuds/Yoshichao
Summary: You need that SHIRT.
Relationships: Sans (Undertale) & Reader
Series: The Fame Monster [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1435678
Comments: 5
Kudos: 68





	thirty is the limit on head-dogs

**Author's Note:**

> alternate fic title: sans tells you his social security number asmr
> 
> i haven't had any motivation to write since i got a job two months ago but then fuckin fangamer releases a new undertale shirt and i'm like o shit time to get back on my shitpost bullshit!!
> 
> i have a Timeline for this fic series so since this fic has to take place Today and the last canon fic (smashing young man) took place in like october or something, i have included some hints on other aus i'm gonna be writing about that may or may not fill in the gap... see how many you can identify! 
> 
> thanks for readin

"alright here it comes: my famous trick. the epic winning combo. the bad time to end all bad times-- fuck!!"

"Not today, bone man!" you shout victoriously as you pull off a perfect shield and use a smash attack to send the digital Sans flying off the stage. With his last stock done, the match ends. You let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding and release the controller from your tight grip. Ever since Sans was added to Smash Bros. (which he's been taking pretty well - much better than you thought he would), he keeps challenging you to high-stakes matches where he insists on playing as the Mii costume of himself and nobody else. It used to be funny - he sucked _shit_ at the game at first - but now... he's growing more and more competent with every match. You've actually had to start using your main against him.

You're terrified that he's going to win one day.

"this game sucks!" Sans says as he throws the controller onto the couch in mock disgust. "i'm never playing this game ever again."

He's started saying this every time you beat him at Smash. It's usually funny, but now you wish he was being serious so you wouldn't have to inevitably kiss your winning streak goodbye. You are definitely not a "pro gamer" (that perfect shield was an accident to be honest), but you just can't let Sans Undertale be better than you at video games. You are pretty sure he never even _touched_ a video game before meeting you! It would be too embarrassing to lose to him! He would never let you live it down.

Well. "Never" might be a bit too dramatic. The terms to your bet were only a month, after all.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'll NEVER call you an 'epic gamer', Sans."

"ok but you have to when i win." Sans lazily sinks into the couch, abandoning his fake gamer rage. He looks way too chill for someone who just lost... almost _smug_ even... "those are the rules."

"No, the bet was that I let you _call yourself_ an 'epic gamer' for a month. I don't have to call you that at all."

"oh yeah." The skeleton grabs his phone from nearby and starts looking at it nonchalantly. Look at this awful little man, trying to trick you into calling him this... thing. You don't know why he's so stuck on that particular title. All you know is: you will NEVER call him it. Never ever. Your pride is too immense for that.

You also decide to look at your phone, catching up on any texts or social media posts you missed. This is a common activity between the two of you, where you both just silently look at your phones until one of you comes across something funny you want to show the other. Sometimes you will even text each other like this. Papyrus always hates it. This is the future, baby. Friendship is incredible.

There are all sorts of things going on within your phone that could be commented on, but for the sake of the narration: we only care about the skeleton bits. You've met and befriended some new skeletons in the past few months - and those interesting meetings will be tales for another time - and they have been added to your growing collection of skeleton acquaintances. You're very familiar with your Lady Gaga-inspired naming scheme for your phone contacts, so obviously we don't need a reminder on who's who. Right? Right. Let's respond to some texts for awhile.

  
**Marry the Night:** HELLO MY SPACE-LOVING FRIEND!  
**Marry the Night:** I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHERE WE SHOULD GO FOR OUR LONG-AWAITED HANGOUT ONCE IT IS SAFE FOR HUMANS TO GO OUT FREELY AGAIN...

(oh yeah there's like a pandemic going on lmao happy 2020 everybody remember to wash your hands and face)

 **Marry the Night:** AND I HEARD OF THIS PLACE FROM SOME OF THE OTHER SKELETONS! MAYBE YOU KNOW OF IT TOO?  
**Marry the Night:** IT'S A REMOTE CAFE... AND I SAW LUST POST A DRINK THAT WAS ALL SWIRLY AND REMINDED ME OF HOME!!!  
**Marry the Night:** I WANT TO TRY IT!!!

Hey, that sounds like one of the seasonal drinks at your favourite cafe. Y'know, the same one you introduced Sans to back during the days of your first meeting. You've been there a few times with other skeletons too since then, but always because _they_ brought you there... Word travels fast among skeletons, huh? 

One day people are going to find out about this place and how it's a hotspot for celebrity skeletons... but hopefully that day is still a ways off. You're not ready to find a new chill hangout place yet.

  
**Judas:** roommate's workin so i gotta vent to you  
**Judas:** almost deleted my twitter account  
**Judas:** i still should tbh i hate this website  
**You:** what happened  
**Judas:** did you see g's worm post  
**Judas:** and the replies

  
**g time 😎** _@bonedaddyG_  
just saw a worm ama

 **✨SUGAR!!!🍰** _@SWEETSSKELETON95_  
YUMMY! WHAT DOES AMA MEAN?

  
**You:** Omg sugar   
**Judas:** i keep thinking about it even though i don't want to  
**You:** are you amd bc you didnt want people to know you eat worms  
**Judas:** fuck off i've never eaten worms before  
**You:** its ok I won't tell anybody ;)  
**Judas:** why would i have eaten worms  
**Judas:** my timeline never had a food shortage  
**Judas** : i mean like it sucks they had to eat stuff like that but  
**Judas:** ugh i didn't want to think about that  
**You:** Do u think spice ate worms too  
**Judas:** ask him he blocked me so i can't

  
**You:** hey spicy what do worms taste like plz I really need to know  
**MANiCURE:** fuck off  
**MANiCURE:** don't think i didn't see that tweet  
**You:** pleas  
**MANiCURE:** eat one yourself if you're so curious!  
**You:** I don't have any :(  
**MANiCURE:** wht happened to the brain worms you always talk about?  
**You:** they just vibin  
**You:** hey you should ask G to eat a worm  
**MANiCURE:** do it yourself  
**MANiCURE:** wait no i'll do it

  
**axe you a question** _@nicenspice4_  
@bonedaddyG can you eat the worm?

 **g time 😎** _@bonedaddyG_  
@nicenspice4 I Can

 **axe you a question** _@nicenspice4_  
@bonedaddyG do it coward. you won't

  
**Judas:** he POSTED A VIDEO thats it i'm deleting this website  
**You:** why did you watch it lol  
**Judas:** the internet was a bad idea  
**Judas:** not just for humans but also monsters  
**Judas:** we need to go back  
**You:** back to the time where everyone ate worms?  
**Judas:** die  
**You:** :(  
**Judas:** sorry that was mean  
**Judas:** you know i didn't mean that right  
**You:** of course dw about it violet i know its just Friend Banter ;P  
**Judas:** ok i just wanted to make sure you knew since  
**Judas:** well you know  
**You:** (thumbs up emoji)  
**Judas:** you know you can just send the emoji and not type it out right  
**You:** don't tell me what to do

  
Scrolling through social media, most of it is skeletons. You've followed all of them (even if you haven't met them yet), and now they consume your feed.

  
**PAPYRUS THE SKELETON!** 🦴😎 _@NEOCOOLSKELETON95_  
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE RENOVATIONS TO GRILLBY'S ARE COMPLETE! THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THEIR PATIENCE, AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY "GETTING DOWN" ON THE NEW DANCE FLOOR!!! #NEWEBOTTNEWS

  
**red ;)** _@redhotbones888_  
Hey everyone it's me Red and I'm a big doodoo head haha hey ladies 😜😜😜

 **b** 🔪 _@lesbean69_  
@redhotbones888 wow red you're so cool and handsome do you wanna come over to my place andjhjghkngjksd

 **THE TERRIBLE EDGE** ☠️ _@EDGELORD666_  
@redhotbones888 THAT IS THE MOST INTELLIGENT THING YOU'VE EVER SAID ON THIS ACCOUNT.

 **red ;)** _@redhotbones888_  
@EDGELORD666 that wasn't me i was hacked

 **THE TERRIBLE EDGE ☠️** _@EDGELORD666_  
@redhotbones888 I KNOW. @lesbean69 PLEASE TWEET FOR MY BROTHER MORE OFTEN!

 **b 🔪** _@lesbean69_  
@EDGELORD666 @redhotbones888 Gladly!

  
**gay?** 🔥🌈 _@lustybonegonian_  
went to a new place today, they had this drink... i think i'm in love

 **space sans** _@funnybasalt_  
@lustybonegonian @STARSTRUCK_SUN

 **APOLLO OF THE ☀️SUN☀️** _@STARSTRUCK_SUN_  
@funnybasalt @lustybonegonian AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I LOVE THAT DRINK!!! WHERE DID YOU GET IT?????

 **gay?** 🔥🌈 _@lustybonegonian_  
@STARSTRUCK_SUN i'll text you the location

  
**APOLLO OF THE ☀️SUN☀️** _@STARSTRUCK_SUN_  
IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO KNOW ABOUT MY RECENT NAME CHANGE! I AM NO LONGER ASTRAL - PLEASE CALL ME APOLLO! I UNDERSTAND IT WILL TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO, BUT I THINK I FINALLY FOUND THE PERFECT NAME FOR ME. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY!

 **TO TANGO!!🕺** _@ITTAKESTWO2_  
@STARSTRUCK_SUN I LOVE THAT NAME!!! HELLO APOLLO!!!

 **🎵PAPYRUS!!🎵** _@UTMUSICAL_PAPYRUS_  
@STARSTRUCK_SUN OH, THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS TWEET!! I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE NAME CHANGE, BUT I WILL COMMIT IT TO MEMORY NOW! 

  
**🌠 BLUEBERRY!!! 🌠** _@VERYCOOLBONES94_  
@honeybuns69 BROTHER I SEE YOU LIKING TWEETS ON TWITTER, PLEASE RESPOND TO MY TEXTS!!

 **🌠 BLUEBERRY!!! 🌠** _@VERYCOOLBONES94_  
@VERYCOOLBONES94 @honeybuns69 DON'T JUST LIKE MY TWEET TOO!!!!!!

  
**COOLMOM95** _@COOLMOM95_  
HOW DO I FIX THE TV?

  
**COOLMOM95** _@COOLMOM95_  
DO SKELETON DRAGONS EAT PLATES?

  
**COOLMOM95** _@COOLMOM95_  
LIST OF SMALL UNKNOWN SKELETAL MONSTER SIGHTINGS

 **bbq sauce on my tiddies** _@sauceybonez420_  
@COOLMOM95 you know this isn't google right?

 **COOLMOM95** _@COOLMOM95_  
@saucybonez420 WHO IS THIS AND HOW DID YOU GET ON MY NEW PHONE

  
...The skeleton antics are endless. You probably spend way too much time reading about them. 

But you can't just stop before you've reached the end! So you keep scrolling, reading all this funny stuff on the timeline in bemusement. Between it all are other things as well of course: your friends, artists, upsetting tweets on current events, Fangamer, some streamers you follow, quote bots...

...Wait, go back a bit. What was that? What WAS that?!

"Oh my god."

"what's up?" Sans does not look up from his phone, focused on something. He's probably playing Minecraft or whatever. Typical Sans.

"I'm sorry Sans, but I think I'm going to have to break the _'I will never buy Undertale merch ever again'_ clause."

He still does not look up. He doesn't even sound surprised, like he knew you were going to announce this to him eventually. "uh oh. who is it?"

 _Who_ is it? He thinks it's a single character that has you admitting defeat? He thinks he's finally going to learn who your favourite skeleton is? What a fool. Instead of answering, you turn your phone screen in his direction. 

"hold on i'll look in a sec. gotta make sure these dragons don't start harvesting useless things."

"Sans, _please_ stop playing shitty mobile games. I am begging you."

"don't introduce me to them then. alright, what is this--"

He looks up at your phone and immediately cuts himself off. You can practically see the gears turning in his skull as he processes what he's looking at before his eye sockets light up.

"get it. get it right now. get _two."_ You almost expect Sans to start vibrating from pure excitement. The shirt is just _that_ good. He manages to tear his eyelights away and go back to his own phone after a moment. "hold on i need to tell frisk about this."

Frisk might just have the biggest Undertale collection in the whole world. You've never met them or seen said collection in person, but you've seen pictures. Official merch, fanmade merch, merch of the "AUs", every copy of the game... It's a collection to be feared. And now it is going to grow just a little bit larger with this new shirt.

"they already knew about it," Sans says in disbelief while you're submitting the order. "they knew about it but didn't tell me... how could they?"

"It's _only_ the shirt you're going to wear for the rest of time."

"yeah!" Sans agrees. "and it's limited print too! i was going to miss out on it forever!"

"Well, it's been ordered so in just a few months, it _will_ be yours forever. You will never have to steal my clothes ever again."

You both look down at the shirt Sans is wearing. It is not one of your Undertale ones - just a regular shirt you used to wear semi-often before he _stole_ it. You are pretty sure he just plucked it out of your laundry on a day he slept over and now you see him wearing it every now and then. Maybe it will finally be returned to you. ...Or maybe it will be banished to the depths of Sans' room, much like the rest of the clothes he's "borrowed" from you. One or the other. 

"yeah... never again..." You can't tell if his voice is tentative or relieved - not that there's time to ponder over it, because his excitement comes back. "oh, we'll be able to match even more now!"

"Yessss!" Matching hoodies, matching shirts... "All we need are matching pants and shoes. Or shorts and slippers..."

"or skirts and... crocs."

"I'm not wearing crocs."

"fair, we don't wanna give stretch any ideas."

"Yeah, he's not allowed to join our matching club."

"we'll be _indistinguishable."_

"I can go to events for you!"

_"yes."_

"I can be your stunt double!"

"that's a little dangerous but i don't do stunts anyways so ok."

"I can steal your identity and take over your entire life!"

"please do."

"Sans, what's your social security number?"

"six eight three three five zero--"

You laugh and put a hand over his teeth, as if to silence him. Considering he doesn't open his jaw to speak, this wouldn't do anything but he stops talking anyways. "Don't _actually_ tell me!! You wiener!!"

"why not?" His voice comes out unhindered even though you haven't moved your hand.

"Because! You know why!"

The two of you have a staredown. Finally, Sans pulls away from your hand.

"you didn't think i was actually telling you, did you?"

"No! I mean--" Ignoring the strange panicky feeling inside you, you answer him totally and completely nonchalantly: "--obviously it was just a joke."

"obviously."

Silence. A very weird silence. 

Something is gnawing at your insides, but you don't know what.

...Or maybe you know but you don't want to think about it.

"Hey give me your phone!" You catch him off-guard by lunging for his phone and _yoink_ ing it right out of his bony little hands. As you lean away and start tapping away with a little witch cackle, Sans follows in an attempt to get his phone back.

"don't you dare make a post on twitter."

"I'm making a post on your Twitterrrr!"

"nooooooo! alright i'm posting on yours then."

"No you're not-- NO give it back!!!"

"i'm telling everyone you think skeletons are cool."

 _"No!!!_ That's it, I'm changing your profile too."

"hey, that's a good idea! thanks for the suggestion."

  
**swexy little skeleton 👅** _@funnybones958356  
_ hey everyone it's me sans and i'm a swexy little skeeleton

  
**pee pee poo poo** _@xxxxxxxxx_  
whats up gamers i think skeletons are very cool and good my favourite is sans undertale i think hes #epic

  
**bone juice 👅** _@funnybones958356_  
i'm gonna do a fortnite dance at the next convention everyone please be excited for it

  
**check out my ao3 for more sans undertale fanfics** _@xxxxxxxxx_  
look at this drawing i made of me and sans holding hands hehe #epic 

  
**sans is a bottom lol** _@funnybones958356_  
send me cool art everyobdy dicks out for sans art, put it right in my DMs thank you

  
**sans kin💙** _@xxxxxxxxx_  
Hello

  
**sans dies? 👀** _@funnybones958356_  
Hi

 **sans kin💙** _@xxxxxxxxx_  
@funnybones958356 oh fuck

 **THE TERRIBLE EDGE ☠️** _@EDGELORD666_  
@xxxxxxxxx @funnybones958356 PLEASE GIVE EACH OTHER YOUR PHONES BACK, I DO NOT WANT TO READ THESE TWEETS ANYMORE.

**Author's Note:**

> toby fox stop approving of new undertale shit so i can write a real fanfic thank you sir
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/Yoshichao)   
>  [tumblr](https://yoshichao.tumblr.com/)


End file.
